Can this be true? I don't believe what I see...

There so so many things I don't believe that I should. That I tell myself, try to convince myself of, but they never stick. I know them, but I don't believe them. I've accepted, understood, as I got older that no one can save me. I still have to remind myself of this. But.. I don't think I ever fully believe it. If I believe it then that would drain all the hope I have of being fine someday. I'd like to believe, since it is truth, and since it makes me blinded to things, and have a skewed perspective.. but apparently I'm not enough to make myself believe.

I don't believe when people say they care about me. Some because I really don't think they do. Some because I don't know what that means. The ones who don't fall into the first category, I know they say they care. I hear them. But I don't believe it. Not so much that I don't believe them, I don't think they'd lie, moreso that I don't think its possible to actually know me AND care about me. I think I make that impossible just by being me.

I don't believe that I can ever get by with hurting myself or someone doing it for me. Though I feel like shit if I do, because its shameful, but I feel like shit if someone else does, because I feel like any other abuse recipient, only I shouldn't, I have no right to, because I deserve it, I sought it. I always feel a pang when someone says abuse isn't the recipients fault. Sometimes it is, for people like me, it is. I miss it. Anyone who misses it, who thinks back to laying in bed next to someone terrified and part of them misses it, wants to be covered in bruises from someone elses hand again. It IS their fault then. Like voluntarily putting your hand on a hot stove, of course the burn is their fault then.
I have to laugh, or cry, when someone gives me the 'its not your fault, no one deserves that' line. Some of us do. Some of us seek it out. Some of us have to feel pain to feel alright.