Maybe I should cry for help, Maybe I should kill myself. Blame it on my ADD baby.

Things I learned/ heard today:

- I am not special.
- No really, I'm not special. Like, at all. Other people feel the exact same way as I do and somehow make it through. Why can't YOU (me). Gee sorry for sucking at sucking at life.
- There is no reason for me to be in counseling.


- Self revelation: Why I DO go to counseling. To be less fucked up. Yeah, maybe everyone is fucked up.Yes I am less fucked up than I used to be. Why is it SO WRONG that i am trying to become even less fucked up?? Jesus Christ.
Let me at least be able to talk without defensive walls preventing me before you go getting rid of me. I was just getting to a place where I didn't have to worry about those. Where I didn't have No, i'm fine, really, nope, nothing going on in here, perfectly normal thoughts in my head, staring straight at you with not a glimmer of thinking of how to off myself behind my eyes. But starting over, that is back. So before we go making plans of how to end these little get togethers, maybe that should happen first.

This is going to go no where since I don't feel comfortable speaking up, and will never get probey questions that help me to speak up. I'm also not entirely sure what I have and want to say won't get met with fingers in ears la-la-laing.

Someday I will come out not angry. Someday.

I am trying SO HARD to be a good little BPDish person and not take this anger and frustration and say well fine, screw you, screw counseling then. God I want to so bad. But I am a good little self aware crazy person and know (thanks to other counselors) that there is no purpose to that. So I keep going, I keep trying. WHY MUST IT BE MADE SO HARD.

No this isn't a game to me. Its my life. It tends to hang in the balance a lot, or perch precariously off cliffs rather. No, thats not a game. 

Though it does provide for self counseling moments. Such as, realizing part of my intense anger and frustration isn't really anger and/ or frustration, but an excuse/ avenue to actually FEEL something, which I haven't done in awhile. So my mind is grabbing hold and not letting go. I think that's always a problem I have in summer. I fall into this depressive numbing funk where I just.. don't feel anything. Well. I switch off between not feeling and all this shit at once coming at me like bullets. But can I share that? No. Do I want to? Yes. Very much so. Please let me.

Otherwise its going to start to come out in other ways and I really don't want that, it just never ends well when that happens.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to challenge. I just want to be. Truthfully, purely, plainly. Challenge begets defenses.